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It's All in the Delivery
Star Trek
july_july_july
Title: It's All in the Delivery
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Spock/Uhura, Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: Questionable science.
Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me.
Notes: Once again, I blame the kink meme. I saw the prompt, and then it was a slow day at work, and then I couldn't help myself.
Summary: "You have a bigger problem than being held at gunpoint by Ikkelian raiders?"



It's All in the Delivery


"Captain, may I speak to you for a moment?"

"Nothing would give me more pleasure," Kirk said tightly between his teeth. "But, seeing as how we're all at gunpoint, I'm not sure that this is the right time."

"I admit that the timing is unfortunate, but I have bigger problems."

"You have a bigger problem than being held at gunpoint by Ikkelian raiders?" They were seated against a wall, cuffed with something like zip-ties, and waiting for ransom. Oh yeah, and the Ikkelians had somehow fucked the transporter. Kirk was going to have a little chat with Starfleet 'intelligence' about this.

"Yes."

"What, Lieutenant, could possibly be more--oh no. Nonononono."

"Yeah."

"Since when?"

"Oh-five-hundred."

"You came on an away mission in labor?"

"First of all, this was supposed to be a milk run. We were supposed to handshake, exchange magnanimous words, and leave. Secondly, Ensign Capelotti is a little deaf at the moment. So forgive me if I didn't leave this meeting to you and the Universal Translator. Thirdly, my water broke in the shower this morning, but I haven't been in active labor until our uninvited guests arrived."

"Active labor? As opposed to like, relaxation yoga labor? And how the fuck did Capelotti get deaf?"

"There was a bachelor party in engineering last night. He was a little too close to the amps."

"There was a bachelor party in engineering? Why wasn't I invited?"

"Is that really--Uh-oh."

"What's happening? Shouldn't you be breathing or something? Hey! People! Woman in labor! Ikkelian criminals, I got a lady having a baby!"

"Sir, shut up," she whispered, sweat beading on her brow.

An Ikkelian, the one with the enormous nose ring who seemed to be in charge, walked over. He looked Kirk up and down with disgust and said something interrogative.

"I'm not kidding around here," Kirk said, nodding at Uhura. "She's having a baby. I don't know how to do this. Lieutenant, translate that."

"Yes, sir." Uhura didn't actually know that kind of vocabulary. Most cultures used idiomatic expressions for the 'embarrassing' nature of pregnancy and birth: having a baby, dar a la luz, with child, preggo, knocked up, in the family way. She had no clue how to do this delicately, so she did it the hard way.

Uhura nodded towards her belly, and then to her shoes. She took her grasp of the language, which could be described as limited at best, and made a sentence: "Here and now, I am making a person."

Nose-Ring looked alarmed, eyes wide, and began conferring with his colleagues. Then he spoke to her with something that sounded like horror.

"What did he say?"

"I think he said...I think he said I am breath to a little new one."

"Wow. That's pretty poetic for a bloodthirsty pirate."

"Bebe," the pirate said. "Be good."

"It's happening again."

Jim twisted around, put his bound hands into hers, and was impressed by the strength she could pour into the gesture. Her eyes unfocused and wet began to collect at the corners of her eyes. I think we're in trouble. Behind him, Uhura gasped and closed her eyes. Shit. She was officially crying now.

"Please don't do that. It freaks the shit out of me when my officers cry. Okay." Kirk looked Nose-Ring in the eye. "You have to help me out here."

Nose-Ring shrugged, spoke in his native tongue, punctuated with hand signals like he was putting on an invisible belt.

"He says you shouldn't have brought such a...huge water person? With you today."

"Really? Well tell him he's being a galactic douchebag about the whole thing."

Uhura sighed. "Admiral," she appealed to the pirate's ego, "I need help." Then she pressed her lips together and sold her pride down the river. "Please."

The raider sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Clearly, this hijacking was not going as planned. In fact, he looked more middle management than fearless space warrior. Nyota decided to keep that thought to herself. She was preparing to beg when another contraction came. This time, she couldn't keep it silent. Closing her eyes, Nyota came to grips with the fact that this was not going to be the delivery she had planned. Was it frustrating? Yes. Was it the end of the world? Not yet. When she opened her eyes, the pirate was looking at her belly like it was a ticking time bomb.

"Nyota?" Jim whispered. "Are you...back?"

She nodded.

"Please don't make that noise again. You scared the pirates."

"No promises, sir."

The bad guys were conferring now, a flurry of fricatives and gestures. Finally, Nose-Ring turned back to them. He knelt next to them silently and removed a machete-like knife from his belt.

"You motherfucker," Kirk hissed, pushing himself away from the wall. "If you so much as touch her, I will eviscerate you. I will--"

Nose-Ring rolled his eyes. He kicked the Captain in the stomach, knocking him on his side. Jim had this whole comeback planned, but now he was just trying not to throw up in front of his communications officer. He did manage to register the fact that the pirate was cutting his handcuffs. Then, with surprising tact, Nose-Ring helped Uhura to her feet so he could cut hers as well.

"Bebe be good. Yes? Talky box now."

"Thank you," Uhura said. "Thank you."

"Wassat?" Jim coughed out.

"He says we can use our comms."

Nose-Ring tossed him the communicator. Kirk couldn't quite bring himself to say thank you, but he managed a little head nod. Body language was supposed to be universal, after all. Then he helped Uhura back down, helping her rest on her back, facing the wall. No need to flash the pirates.

"Kirk to Enterprise."

"Spock here." The reply was so fast, Kirk had to assume he was literally waiting by the phone.

"Listen, we've got comms back. But I assume the transporter is still fucked. Get your sorry green ass to sickbay."

"Are you or the Lieutenant injured?"

"Not exactly." Jim sighed. "I never thought I'd get to say this, but you're about to be a baby daddy."

There was a telling pause. For a second, Kirk thought that his first officer might have officially choked, that Spock could deal with command, complex moral dilemnas, logic problems, but God forbid he actually have to nut up and deal with the Facts of Life. Luckily for Jim, that wasn't the case. Spock was just hauling his sorry green ass to sickbay.

"McCoy here. Jim, are you alright? Last we heard, the ceremony had been hijacked."

"I'm fine. And, yeah, there are actual space pirates down here. It's a little trippy. Look, Bones, Uhura's in labor. I think you're gonna have to talk me through this."

"Angels and ministers of grace defend us."

"If you say so."

"You're going to need towels and hot water."

"Seriously? I thought that was just in the movies."

"Jim."

"Towels and hot water, got it."

Uhura passed along the request. The Ikkelians were surprisingly eager to help out, as it happened. Probably wasn't every day they saw a human being come out of another human being.

"Now," Bones said, "I need you to tell me how far she's dilated."

"Uhura, how far are you dilated?"

Nyota exhaled and looked at the ceiling. This was going to be bad. This was going to be really, really bad. She'd done all her coaching with Christine. Christine was supposed to be the midwife, here. There was supposed to be a minimum of exposure. And now it looked like all hope for her dignity was lost.

"I don't know, Captain. You're going to have to look."

"Look where?"

McCoy sighed audibly. "Sweet Jesus."

"Oh my God," Kirk said. "I can't. I won't."

"You can," Uhura hissed. "You can and you will. Or so help me, I will let Spock choke you to death next time."

He swallowed. "Okay, fine. But when we get out of here, we will never speak of this again."

"Agreed."

"Until the kid turns eighteen, and then I'm telling it everything about how its Uncle Jim had to put his hand up your hoo-ha."

"Respectfully, it's a vagina, you jackass," she hissed. "And if you breathe a word about this to anyone, I will tell Bones about the pool boy from Tampa."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

"Fine, but if it's a boy, you have to name it after me."

"I'll take it under advisement."

"Why did you and Spock decide not to know the sex again?" Jim asked, trying not to think about what he was doing: spreading her knees, removing her underwear. Tried not to think about where he was reaching.

"I thought it would bug him."

"Seriously?"

"You should have seen the look on his face when I told him he had to wait and see."

"What did his eyebrows do?"

"They both went up--one at a time. He couldn't decide which one would be more effective, I guess."

"I've never been prouder to serve with you."

"I love him, I do. But he is an impossible geek sometimes."

"Tell me about it."

"I wish he were here." Don't cry, Nyota. Don't cry.

"Yeah. Me, too." Jim pushed her knees shut as gently as possible. Then he wiped his hands on his knees and picked up his communicator. "It's me. I'm back."

"Well?" Bones snapped.

"I can see the head. It's got fuzzy hair. Is that good or bad?"

"It's fast, is what it is." There was a small commotion in the background. "Oh, hell."

"What's wrong?"

"Spock's knocking over equipment."

"He's...why?"

"Give me the communicator," Uhura said. "I need to talk to him."

"Okay. Bones, put him on."

"Spock?" Nothing. "Are you there?"

"Nyota."

"Yes." She cleared her throat and looked around, painfully aware of her audience. "Everything's going to be fine," she said in Vulcan. "Jim's here. Nothing's going to happen."

"I do not share your optimism." He sounded pained, but probably she was the only one who could have discerned that. Aural sensitivity. "I am...I cannot assist you from here."

"You can assist me. Get us the hell out of here."

"I have made several attempts but had no success thus far."

"Spock. Unfuck the transporter. Do it now."

"Understood. Spock out."

"What did you say to him?" Bones asked, taking over the frequency. "Your man just ran out of here like his ass was on fire."

"Nothing. Can I push yet?"

"Are you feeling pressure?"

"No, I just have an overwhelming desire to experience more pain."

"Put Jim back on."

Uhura resisted the urge to throw the communicator at her Captain's face.

"Bones?" Jim whispered like she couldn't hear him from three feet away. "There's...I think it's coming. What am I supposed to do?"

"It sounds like we're in the home stretch here. Encourage her to push. It's going to be painful, but it has to happen. When the baby's out, clear its mouth and nose. Clean it up a little, if you can. Then, you wrap it up in one of the towels and hand it back to Uhura."

"What if something goes wrong?"

"Nothing's going to go wrong."

"Okay." Jim was going to ask more questions, but Uhura was about to break his hand. "What's wrong?"

"It hurts."

"Nyota?" Spock had apparently found his own communicator. "Are you well?"

"Oh, of all the damn times for him to pick up the phone," Bones muttered. "He doesn't need to hear this."

"It hurts," Uhura repeated. "It really...I'm not sure I can do this."

"You can," Kirk said. "You can and you will."

"On the next contraction, you need to push," Bones said.

"Oh holy God. I can actually feel this one. Like, from the inside out." Jim sounded a little traumatized.

"Tell her to push," Bones said. "Uhura, push!"

"Push!" Spock encouraged in Vulcan.

"Push!" Jim ordered.

"Pooosh!" yelled the pirates.

And that was how her daughter was born. Into the hands of Captain James Tiberius Kirk, in a room full of cheering pirates, with the doctor and the midwife and the father miles away.

"She's beautiful," Jim said. "I mean, she's covered in green sticky stuff and she's got a bit of a conehead. Other than that, she's great."

"Give her here," Nyota said. "Oh...come here little baby girl. Look at you."

She was, in fact, covered in green sticky stuff. And she did have a bit of a conehead. But she also had a head of black curls and pointy little ears. She wasn't even crying, just blinking, confused by the universe at large.

"Where's Spock? I want to talk to Spock."

Jim scrambled and put the communicator next to her ear.

"I am here, Nyota."

"I just want to tell you that I--"

"Please wait one moment."

Uhura's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?"

That was when the transporter kicked in. She and Jim looked around as the pirates disappeared. They didn't seem too broken up about it, though. Some of them were waving. Nose-Ring even threw them a little salute.

"I know they're pirates and all," Jim said as they materialized. "But they weren't half bad."

Spock was waiting for them, hands clasped calmly behind his back. Behind him, Scotty and Chekov were covered in engine grease and iron filings. They smelled like ozone and burnt hair. She didn't want to know. Spock stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"I have unfucked the transporter."

"I can see that. Thank you."

"May I see her?"

"Of course."

He approached, knelt, and picked their daughter up with the usual reserved dignity. Nestling her gently in the crook of his arm, he brushed the hair back from her forehead, examined her ears.

"She is ideal."

Then Spock extended his index finger and, with gentle precision, booped her on the nose.

"I love you so much right now," Nyota whispered.

"So, are you going to call her Jim or what?"

"No one panic!" Bones burst into the transporter room, Christine hot on his heels. "We're here!"

"Clearly." Spock's voice was Saharan dry.

"Don't worry, Doctor. I handled things." Jim waggled his eyebrows. "Literally."

"Dr. McCoy," Uhura began innocently, "have you ever been to Florida?"

"No. Why?"

"We talked a lot about the weather," Kirk broke in. "You know, during our little crisis. To pass the time. Hurricanes came up. Florida came up."

"Hush," Spock said solemnly. "I cannot hear her."

Everyone went silent.

The baby girl began to cry.


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SQUEAL!!! Baby vulcan!!! Booped!!
I didn't even know I HAD this kink. I can't wipe this silly grin off my face.

Thanks!!

Booped!!

*laughs and laughs and laughs*

I totally did not know how to end this ridiculous thing. And then it came to me. I had to look up 'boop' on urban dictionary to make sure it wasn't some freak lolcats thing.

"Pooosh!" yelled the pirates.
***
This is the point at which I fell laughing onto the floor.

"I know they're pirates and all," Jim said as they materialized. "But they weren't half bad."
***
Hope springs eternal. I love this.

Then Spock extended his index finger and, with gentle precision, booped her on the nose.
***
I love Spock here, too.

Wonderful fic.

That was both hilarious and adorable!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I would quote my favorite parts, but that would be basically the whole thing. "I have unfucked the transporter." I would pay real money to see Spock say that. To see this whole thing on screen.

*heart hands*

Thank you! That was my favorite line to write! Sidenote: I just re-watched Generation Kill, and now I can't get the Grooming Standards guy out of my head. Anyway, the whole thing was kind of silly so I'm tickled you enjoyed it.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is brilliant. And hilarious.

And the booping, holy crap, the very notion is so adorable it has melted my brain. Well done. :)

Thanks! It was fun to write, and I'm glad you found it fun to read, too.

That was the best thing since peanut butter met jelly.

My favs:

"Please don't make that noise again. You scared the pirates."

"Please don't do that. It freaks the shit out of me when my officers cry. Okay"


and this one

You should have seen the look on his face when I told him he had to wait and see."

"What did his eyebrows do?"

"They both went up--one at a time. He couldn't decide which one would be more effective, I guess."

"I've never been prouder to serve with you."


and of course this one

"I have unfucked the transporter."

You have totally done the mind meld things with these characters. Trufax.

Can you do this everyday 'cos it's pretty damn awesome.

Random fact. Star Trek is finally at our dollar movie theatre. Now I can see it again and again and again. Woot!

You have totally done the mind meld things with these characters. Trufax.

Awww...*blushes*

Random fact. Star Trek is finally at our dollar movie theatre. Now I can see it again and again and again. Woot!

AHHH. I hate you. And so do my pants.

(Deleted comment)
Thank you! Entertaining was just what I was aiming for.

You are my hero.

*dies of the d'awww and the funny*

(and if you felt like it, I would adore if you'd post a link to this over at holodeck_one because the primary relationship is het.)

Edit because I didn't close a parenthesis...and because I realised looking at the prompt that the slash undertones were definitely there. ;-)

Edited at 2009-08-19 01:38 am (UTC)

I would quote my favourite part, but I'd pretty much have to paste the whole thing into the comment box for that. The pirates! Spock's eyebrows! Florida!

*adds to memories*

Thanks! I'm tickled I was able to hit so many high points!

I love this! The dialog is great, and I adore the pirates. And the nose-booping!

Thanks for sharing it!

Thank you for reading it! I'm really grateful that you took the time to do so--AND leave me a comment.

You know, that... *trails off snickering* This is adorable. Starfleet HQ will have kittens about all the breaches in protocol, but screw 'em. And Reboot!Spock is an adorable daddy.

Starfleet HQ will have kittens about all the breaches in protocol, but screw 'em.

OH GOD. This wasn't supposed to make sense, was it? PLEASE TELL ME NO. *looks around frantically*

That was adorable! In a highly professional, tough-minded kind of way, of course.

"Poosh"

Where were those pirates during the birth of my second son!

In a highly professional, tough-minded kind of way, of course.

That's me! Highly professional AND tough-minded. *thumbs up* And thank you!


My face may be permanently stuck with this silly grin on it. This was just too cute for words. From Uhura being all awesome (and blackmailing Kirk!) to Spock and his nose booping to the middle-management pirate.

GLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more please?

Yay! I'm so happy you enjoyed all the silly details. Thank you for leaving me a comment!

This is hilarious and wonderful. I would quote my favourite lines, but that would be most of the fic. Awesome.

Thanks! I'm tickled that you enjoyed it so much.

Oh my lord. This was made of awesome. Everything here was made of pure win.

LMAO!!! Great tension up until:
"Are you feeling pressure?"

"No, I just have an overwhelming desire to experience more pain."
Stupid Bones. Obviously, he's never given birth!

and Spock.. "I have unfucked the transporter." Gotta love a man who can follow orders. And pirates who are helpful. "Pooosh!" *giggles some more*

Uhura rocks. This is delightful. Now I want the story of Kirk and the pool boy :)

Thank you!

Now I want the story of Kirk and the pool boy

*facepalm* Don't rush the newbie. Two weeks ago I didn't even know how to IMPLY slash.

Oh this is wonderful!
Spock breaking equipment in sickbay, the pirates yelling "Pooosh!" and nose booping - all good.

Thank you! And that is a sweet, sweet icon.

""Pooosh!" yelled the pirates."

O M G this is peeeeeeeeeeeerfect! Yipeeee! I think that's the first time EVER I've read a fic / book / a piece of writing where pregnancy and labor were handled in such a beautiful, and also witty way without a shade of... uncomfortableness :D Great, great work.

"I have unfucked the transporter."

God, now I SOOO want Spock to say that for REAL!

Lovely to the power of a thousand suns!

Thank you! I did my best to handle the birth thing with as much silliness as possible, without resorting to any of the cliches that I find really obnoxious. I'm glad you enjoyed the balance!

Awwwwwwww! That was heartwarming.

"You should have seen the look on his face when I told him he had to wait and see."

"What did his eyebrows do?"

"They both went up--one at a time. He couldn't decide which one would be more effective, I guess."

"I've never been prouder to serve with you."


Also, hi-LARIOUS.

Thank you! Glad you liked the eybrows.

HEEEEEEE. Oh my God, this was perfect and so hilarious.

Thank you! I'm happy that it turned out funny. I was worried there for a while.

I am dead of loldorable, holy shit.

:DDDDDD

...but what a way to go.

Thank you!

You don't know me from Adam, but this is ridiculous and adorable and took me to the happiest happy place.
Thank you :-)

Thank YOU so much for leaving me a comment! Comments take me to a happy place of my own.

Oh god. This was so incredibly great,there are no words. I laughed so much reading this i cried. Also,i am reading this on a bus,trying to keep my voice down,and the guy next so me looks at me strangely now. I love this so much i cant tell you XD if i would quote my favourite lines of this i would just quote it all back to you XD but i think the part i loved the most was spock raising his eyebrows one after the other and the pirates yelling "poooosh". Oh god XD

Thanks! I love bus rides like that. Sometimes I do my beta work on the bus, and I sense that the other riders doubt my sanity.

Ahahaha! :D That was funny and adorable at the same time. Baaaby Vulcan!

P.S.: I'm in love with the girl's hair. XD

I am laughing so very hard right now, and this was wonderful, and I wish I could write humor like this!

Loved:
The Space Pirates
JIM and his wicked tongue
Uhura and Spock on the phone
Spock unfucking the transporter
Spock booping his daughter on the nose
Scotty and Checkov with singed hair

and everything else.

This has made my day.

Aww...thank you! I'm happy it was a pick-me-up. It was a very, very random plot bunny. I'm glad it went to good use.

OMG ADORABLE AND HILARIOUS!!!

downjune pointed this out to me and I'm so glad because my face looks like this ^_________^

I'm so glad you came by to read it! Thank you!

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